Year in review: A selection of the best quips from the first half of 2013.
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald: "A high-school girls' basketball team, Bloomington Â鶹ÊÓƵ of Indiana, won a game, 107-2. Yes, one-hundred and seven to two. If coach Larry Winters also teaches at the school, I'm guessing what he teaches isn't sportsmanship."
Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: "Alex Rodriguez just underwent hip surgery. Doctors advised him to take it easy and not exert himself. They told him, 'Just pretend it's the playoffs.' "
Dickson again: "The Lakers' Dwight Howard was ejected from a game against the Nuggets for a flagrant foul. Howard was nearly ejected again the next night for throwing the ball at the ref, but then the coach explained that was a Howard free-throw attempt."
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on top-ranked Notre Dame's stubborn defence: "They slow more drives than two seniors in a Prius."
Tweet from @MurrayRempel on the morning it was announced the NHL lockout was over: "Resounding thud heard as Byfuglien drops off the couch spilling bowl of ice cream and begins feverishly doing pushups."
Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, after Lions running back Kevin Smith denied tweeting that he wants to play for the Dolphins: "Good thing, too, before the league fines him for tampering with himself."
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an 'undisclosed injury.' Translation - Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl."
Comedy writer Gary Bachman: "It's so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup."
Dickson again: "Rex Ryan was involved in a minor three-car accident after he ran a red light. The Jets organization is withholding comment until it can figure out how to make Tim Tebow the scapegoat."
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "Temperatures in Manitoba recently dipped to -44 C with wind chill. It hasn't felt that cold in Winnipeg since skip Jennifer Jones fired Cathy Overton-Clapham."
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "So, golfer Tiger Woods is reportedly dating skier Lindsey Vonn? Guess he just wants a look-see at a career that goes downhill on purpose."
Norman Chad of the Washington Post: "I believe that Colin Kaepernick, on his left arm, has tattooed the entire IHOP menu."
Currie: "Cirque de Soleil announced they've cut 400 jobs. There haven't been so many clowns out of work since the NFL laid off replacement refs."
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: "Former Purdue coach Alex Agase on why he never recruited players from California: 'Any kid who would leave that wonderful weather is too dumb to play for us.' "
Comedy writer Jim Barach, on this year's 24 Hours of Daytona race featuring a Mazda that ran on biofuel made from chicken guts, pork lard and beef tallow: "Or as NASCAR fans call that, Sunday dinner."
CBS's David Letterman, on Westminster Kennel Club perks: "The winner of the dog show gets a beautiful blue ribbon and a toilet full of champagne."
NBC's Jimmy Fallon, with the latest sports scandal - from the annual race up the steps of the Empire State Building: "One of the competitors tested positive for elevator."
Jim Sweeney, who died recently at 83, telling reporters in 1975 why he resigned as Washington State football coach: "Health reasons - the alumni were sick of me."
Perry again: "Yankees GM Brian Cashman has been ordered to pay more than $1 million a year in alimony and child support. Even worse, he's still stuck with full custody of A-Rod."
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, after fans threw rolls of toilet paper at Canada's Scotties Tournament of Hearts: "Good thing the curling championship wasn't sponsored by Swiss Army Knives."
Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com: "The president of the U.S. makes $400,000 this year to run the country. Kobe Bryant makes $27.8 million this year to run around in blue and gold underwear."
Steve Rushin of Sports Illustrated: "Race fans, I had inferred from my one trip to the Brickyard 400, fell into one of two categories: Tattooed, shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks, and their husbands."
A groaner from Currie: "Guido, one of the Milwaukee Brewers' racing sausages that went missing, has been found. This comes as a relief to his fellow mascots, who feared for the wurst."
R.J. Currie: "A new study says after age 60 we begin losing our sense of smell. For fans enduring the Maple Leafs championship drought, at least they don't stink like they used to."
Scott Feschuk of Sportsnet Magazine: "(Winnipeg) Jets signed Olli Jokinen and Alexi Ponikarovsky, meaning they're set at 'floater' for years to come."
Jim Barach: "Tennis great Jennifer Capriati has been charged with stalking and punching her ex-boyfriend on Valentine's Day. Apparently that is the last time she takes romantic advice from John McEnroe."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, had to cancel his book tour after outrage from dog lovers spread. Vick's autobiography is titled 'Finally Free.' Much better than his first title, 'Old Yeller Had It Coming.'
Currie: "The Chicago Cubs reportedly may add a mascot that represents the Cubbies' tradition. Possible names include Hindenburg, Titanic and Exxon Valdez."
Greg Cote: "And in other NBA news, Boston's Kevin Garnett continues to be sidelined with a dislocated scowl."
From Letterman's Top 10 list, on a sign your baseball team isn't ready for the season: "Opening-day giveaway is a letter of apology from the general manager."
Jim Barach: "A study says the owners of the Chicago Cubs gave $13.9 million in political donations, mostly to Republicans in the 2012 election. Apparently they also gave them their secret strategy on how to win."
Steve Simmons of Sunmedia: "What's in a name? Capitals' Brooks Laich was named for Brooks Robinson but Pittsburgh's Brooks Orpik was named for Herb Brooks. And you wonder what could have been: Herb Orpik."
Brad Dickson: "After making a basket, a celebratory fist pump by the Chicago Bulls' Carlos Boozer hit the referee in the groin. Bob Knight and Rasheed Wallace immediately shouted, 'Why didn't we think of that?' "
TC in BC says: "Legendary sportscaster Al Michaels was arrested recently in California on suspicion of DUI. After reviewing the evidence, his lawyer's only comment was, 'Do you believe in miracles?' "
Letterman, on the Jets vowing to take the best athlete available in the NFL draft: "It's the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use."
Barach: "Greg Norman says the lack of blood testing on the PGA tour is 'disgraceful.' Has he looked at the PGA tour stars lately? The only thing Tim Herron, John Daly and Kevin Stadler will test positive for is Haagen Dazs."
Currie: "First John Morris claims he's lost the passion to curl, then a week later joins a B.C. team. In TV lingo, he jumped from My Favourite Martin to Welcome Back Cotter."
Brad Dickson: "A Reddit user who has never played competitive basketball declared himself eligible for the NBA draft 'after a few drinks.' So it sounds like the Charlotte Bobcats found their second-round pick."
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "Thomas Tusser is credited with the proverb 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' In a related item, Jerry Jones gave Tony Romo a $108 million contract extension."
Brad Dickson: "A Russian club team has begun playing a crude form of American football for the first time. Team leaders took time out to say they don't want Tim Tebow, either."
Steve Simmons, quoting Canadian rower Marnie McBean on why athletes in her sport are a lot like politicians: "We sit on our ass and go backwards."
Scott Mitchell of Sunmedia, on Twitter: "It'd be great if the (Ottawa) RedBlacks new unis were yellow and blue."
Currie again: "Bad news and good news for the Blue Bombers. First, reports this week say many spots in their new press box have blocked views. And that's the good news."
