CBS/Golf Channel analyst David Feherty, describing an errant tee shot: "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
Twitter:@Dave_Stubbs "With a $687,500 contract, #Habs Ryan White will only have $687,500 left after budgeting for his haircuts."
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "Word out of Winnipeg is the Bombers' new stadium won't be completed this season. Same goes for most of Buck Pierce's passes."
Ex-Sonics GM Bob Whitsitt, to the Kitsap Sun, on life as a 50-something: "We're on the back nine. We just don't know what hole we're on."
Headline at SportsPickle.com: "Anthony Davis encourages young kids to work hard and grow seven inches as a high-school senior."
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: "Why are the Washington Nationals so concerned about Stephen Strasburg's pitch count? They must be saving his arm for when he eventually signs with the Yankees."
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the Tour de France: "Winner used to be first one to pass the finish line. Now it's first one to pass a urine test."
Another one from Norman Chad: "I've become a big fan of Giants coach Tom Coughlin, but he always looks like he's about to undergo a dental procedure."
R.J. Currie again: "Andy Murray won his first-ever Slam at the U.S. Open, ending a British championship drought dating back 76 years. Or as Cubs fans put it, not that long ago."
TV funnyman Conan O'Brien of TNT: "Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur."
Somebody named Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) on Twitter: "Belichick Shoots Replacement Ref In Parking Lot After Game, Tells Police His Actions Are 'Not Reviewable."
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after Texas blew a 13-game lead and lost the AL West on the final day of the season: "The Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad."
NBC's Jay Leno: "The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the first presidential debate. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs."
R.J. Currie: "To protect a giraffe from getting injured during a move, Chinese trainers taught her to duck. They're still working on Bombers' quarterback Buck Pierce."
Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader, after noting that convicted dogfighter Michael Vick was once again a dog-owner: "The way Vick has been fumbling the ball this season, the animal had better be a retriever."
Texans defensive tackle J.J. Watt, miked up by NFL Films during last Sunday's game, to 5-foot-8 Ravens running back Ray Rice: "I've eaten burritos bigger than you."
CBS's David Letterman, on Hurricane Sandy: "This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs. It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone."
R.J. Currie again: "Scottie Pippin helped President Obama's team win a pickup basketball game on Election Day. Out of habit, Michael Jordan took the credit."
This sounds fishy: Blogger Bill Littlejohn, after Mike Trout became the Angels' first Rookie of the Year since Tim Salmon: "Think their scouts used the same bait?"
From Sports Illustrated's Tweet of the Week: 'When I die, I want Tony Romo to be my pallbearer so he can let me down one last time.' - Kenny (Papa Bear).
Another one from Dickson, after AMF Bowling Worldwide filed for bankruptcy: "Not to worry. If my math is correct, they'll have that paid off as soon as they rent nine more pairs of bowling shoes."
R.J. Currie: "In case you missed it, Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbert is out for the season. He was sidelined with swelling in his forearm and shrinking in his passer rating."
