I come from a family where manners mattered.
We were a large family. Without basic manners, anarchy would take hold. If we hadn't had it drilled into us from an early age that it was horridly impolite to interrupt when others were talking, our family dinners would have devolved into two hour screaming matches. Or small arms fire.
But in fact, they never did. We had regular, spirited exchanges at dinner on a wide range of topics, with my parents acting as referees and arbiters. Everyone, from the oldest right down to my baby sister, got his or her chance to contribute. Possession of the salt shaker indicated it was your turn to speak (and for the others to listen), and any child unwise enough to burst in on someone else's time with the salt shaker would earn a baleful look (and occasional quick clip across the back of the noggin) from the authorities.
The insistence on good manners stretched into all aspects of our life. We were taught to hold doors open for people. To chew delicately, with our mouths closed. Not to talk in theatres. And to live by what my Mother called "Thumper's rule":
"If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
(That is a direct quote from the movie Bambi, uttered onscreen by Bambi's best friend, Thumper. Generations of kids have learned that exact quote, verbatim, and many grew up believing it was random wisdom generated by their personal grandmother or, alternatively, was Biblical in origin. While the sentiment is certainly worthy of the Gospel, the quote itself first reached our collective consciousness when Bambi was released in 1942. There you go: fact of the day. You're welcome.)
My parents insisted on politeness in part, I believe, because they liked to be invited out to places. More than once. And having a horde of six impolite children meant you might not get the second call. So we minded our parents, we minded our elders, and oh, my, how we minded our "Ps and Qs".
Given how important manners were in my childhood, it is passing odd that one of my great pet peeves is when people say "Please and thank you".
Oh, individually, I think they are essential. After all, we live in a society. If we stop appending "please" to our requests of others, if we become a civilization of people who demand things from one another, I think we might as well just pack it in. As for "thank you", well, I don't want to live in a society of ungrateful boors. So "thank you" is an indispensible politeness.
My beef is with "pleaseandthankyou".
We have all heard it. It's very common. Someone, usually someone in charge who is too rushed to go into a long explanation of why they want something done or get into a long debate about who should do a task, will turn to a person and say "I would like you to (do this task) pleaseandthankyou."
My jaw tightens when I hear that.
Look, I understand the need for economy of expression when time is tight. I understand not wanting to broach debate, encourage objection, or any number of other reasons a person might use that turn of phrase.
But if you choose that expression you need to know this: you're not being polite. I know you think you are, because you learned that "please" and "thank you" are "polite". But when you combine them, run them together, all you are doing is giving your order (for that is what it is) the most gossamer thin veneer of good manners.
It's like walking into a house where there is a new baby and, as you enter, before being shown the baby, you exclaim, "Oh, my, what a lovely child!" Yes, it is possibly a sentiment you expect to feel, and you may have, at some future point, said it with cause. But just blurting it out as you walk in isn't "good manners". It's "getting the duty out of the way".
"Please and thank you" can be loosely translated to: "I order you." So, "Could you take out the garbage, pleaseandthankyou." can be read as "Take out the garbage. I order you."
Here's the thing: in "pleaseandthankyou", both parts are purely pro forma. There is no genuine request made - there is no opportunity to respond either negatively or positively. So there is an assumption that the person will perform the task. And because the "thank you" comes before the completion (or even commencement) of the task, it is also clearly insincere.
I don't know if it's rude, exactly. But it's not polite. And it doesn't lead us to a more civilized world.
So if we could all just stop saying it, pleaseandthankyou? That would be great.
