If Vancouver Canucks could somehow put that gigantic contract of Roberto Luongo's between the pipes next season, new coach John Tortorella's team might never give up a goal.
Unfortunately, the massive 12-year contract extension he signed in 2009 sits in a file cabinet in the Canucks' front office while Luongo tries to fill the space between the pipes and pretend he's happy. If the Canucks and Luongo were a married couple, they'd have separate bedrooms.
How does Luongo feel, knowing he will be the starting goalie next year for the Canucks after realizing his contract made him untradeable last year after the Canucks publicly tried and tried and tried to get rid of him?
In fact, former backup Cory Schneider appeared to be so secure in his No. 1 role in the Canucks net that when Vancouver fans put together their list of 'untouchables', they started with Daniel and Henrik Sedin and then listed Schneider.
But in one of the strangest turns of events during the NHL draft on June 30, the Canucks traded Schneider to New Jersey, giving up their 27-year-old goalie of the future and keeping the 34-year-old Luongo. One of them had to go: Ultimately, it was Schneider, because Luongo's contract was like a huge anchor tying him to the Lower Mainland.
No other NHL team would agree to take on the nine years and about $40 million that remains on the contract signed four years ago by Luongo, whose skills are in rapid decline. In exchange for Schneider, the Canucks received a first-round draft pick that became Bo Horvat, an Ontario junior leaguer from London. (Another Vancouver first-rounder was Medicine Hat's Hunter Shinkaruk.)
Poor Schneider. He spent two years as backup to Luongo and now returns to a No. 2 role behind certain Hall of Famer Martin Brodeur in New Jersey.
The Schneider trade was a continuation of the Gillis Follies, a series of questionable moves by general manager Mike Gillis, the object of scorn by many Canucks' fans.
Meanwhile, if Luongo can somehow use that contract as goalpad stuffing, it may work out for Vancouver after all.
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "Cleveland rookie linebacker Ausar Walcott was arrested Tuesday and charged with attempted murder after he allegedly punched a man in the head last weekend. Gosh, the Browns can't even get the major headlines on the NFL police blotter."
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express: "I don't believe it. The Montreal Alouettes have hired a crazy version of Gary Busey as their coach."
Blogger T.C. Chong: "HBO's reality show Hard Knocks will be following the Cincinnati Bengals this year. Not to be outdone, CBS will introduce a new series - CSI Aaron Hernandez."
Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: "Joey Chestnut won (the Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest) for the seventh time. In this era of Lance Armstrong, I think it's nice to see someone dominate an event and the only thing they're full of is two million milligrams of sodium."
Dickson again: "Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez was charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession. Authorities suspected something when he made his pick-off move to first base an hour after the game ended."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Major League Baseball has reportedly fired umpire Brian Runge for drug use. They haven't said what substance he was abusing but it is a pretty sure bet it wasn't Visine."
Another one from Barach: "The NFL has declined an offer to help promote Obamacare. Apparently the NFL says they don't want to get involved with something that right now falls in popularity somewhere between the Bengals and Aaron Hernandez."
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "Calgary flooding hit the Saddledome, home to the Flames, filling it with water up to row eight. Advice to NHL fans: stay out of that hockey pool."
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "Minor-league pitcher Brian Read of the Seacoast (N.H.) Mavericks had to have surgery on Monday after a chunk of hot dog got lodged in his throat during a seventh-inning-stretch eating contest. Read apparently took his batting coach's advice to choke up waaay too seriously."
Twitterverse: Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32), on the 29 arrests of NFL players since the Super Bowl: "We're getting pretty close to the NFL's 'good guy' award going to whoever only had a misdemeanor in the last year."
Headline at Fark.com: "A-Rod: Now that I think about it, perhaps not playing and still getting paid is better than playing"
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the Blackhawks' plans to show off the Stanley Cup. "They would take the Cup to a Chicago Cubs game, but then they would have to explain what a championship is."
Another one from Hough: "Dwight Howard to the Rockets. How long until they figure out 'Houston, we have a problem?'
