Almost guaranteed to happen in 2014:
January - Steve Yzerman announces the roster for Canada's Olympic team and 32 million Canadians have 32 million different opinions about how Yzerman screwed up the Canadian roster for Sochi.
February - Snowboarder Mark McMorris of Regina becomes the star of Sochi and becomes the first Saskatchewanian to date a Kardashian.
March - Spring training is in full swing in Florida and Arizona and that means more World Series planning for fans of the Blue Jays.
April - Tiger Woods has his game in tip-top shape as he goes for Major victory No. 15 at the Masters, but something - either a rules violation, a wonky disc in his back or a parking lot fistfight with Sergio Garcia - gets in the way.
May - The realization hits fans of the Jays, after the team's 6-27 start, that those World Series plans will have to be postponed once again.
June - Mid-month arrives and two teams, St. Louis Blues and Pittsburgh Penguins, are down to Game 7 for the Stanley Cup. Alex Pietrangelo gets the Cup winner and the resulting explosion of celebration stretches from St. Louis to Italy.
July - Canada's best female tennis player, Eugenie Bouchard of Montreal, quickly moving up the world rankings, throws a scare into some of the best at Wimbledon, but falls short of a singles' title.
August - Jordan Spieth wins the PGA Championship for his third major championship of the year, missing out on the Grand Slam by failing to win the U.S. Open, which went to Weyburn's Graham DeLaet.
September - The expansion Ottawa Redblacks wins its first CFL game and, shocker! - it 's against the still-rebuilding Blue Bombers.
October - The NHL season gets under way and at least five teams are obviously taking the year off in an effort to qualify for the No. 1 draft pick, who will be the next Gretsbyieux, Connor McDavid.
November - Grey Cup No. 102 will be played indoors at BC Place in Vancouver and while the Riders will be the Western rep, they won't win because it was "too warm," the coaches say.
December - Edmonton Oilers run their record to 29-4-4 at the Christmas break and the NHL takes the unusual step of presenting the coach of the year award to Dallas Eakins in mid-season.
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Infielder Robinson Cano says he didn't sign a seven-year, $175 million contract with the Yankees because he didn't feel respect. Which shows that when you offer someone $25 million a year, make sure to always say 'Please' and 'Thank you.'"
RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: "The RCMP arrested an Ontario man for trying to sell the Canadian navy's shipbuilding secrets. Isn't that like the Chicago Cubs selling championship-building secrets?"
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "Home-plate collisions could be banned as soon as the 2014 season if major-league owners get their way. So do they call the runner out, or just have an NFL ref march him 15 yards back up the third-base line?"
Redskins coach Mike Shanahan, to reporters, after listing his reasons for benching QB Robert Griffin III: "I'm trying to be as honest as I can, and I don't normally do that."
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on why Lamar Odom was given three years' probation for DUI instead of house arrest: "Confined all day with a Kardashian would be cruel and unusual punishment."
Headlines in TWO New York papers - the Daily News and Post - after the Yankees signed Jacoby Ellsbury for $153 million: "Ellsbury Dough Boy."
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on Western Michigan's 1-11 football team: "The season highlight film will be shown Tuesday from 7 to 7:01 p.m."
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on what we've had enough of: "Televising of PAT kicks. The last one missed was in '62, during a plague of locusts. Instead, show us cheerleaders, fan fights or scenes from Three Stooges movies."
Ostler has also had enough of: "Ice-the-kicker timeouts. If you try it and the kicker makes the kick, you must wear a dunce cap the rest of the game."
Bob Molinaro of Pilot Online in Hampton, W. Va.: "Organizers of the Super Bowl in New Jersey say they're ready for the worst Mother Nature can hand out. Frank Supovitz, NFL senior vice president of events, even welcomes the white stuff. 'I think watching NFL football in the snow is really romantic,' said the man who will take in the game from the climate-controlled comfort of a sky box."
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express: "The Maple Leafs said they wouldn't lend Morgan Rielly to Team Canada for the world junior tournament. In a related story, they have offered to lend David Clarkson to anyone."
RJ Currie again: "The arena crew at a Florida Panthers game replaced the glass behind the net but didn't take the backing off, blocking the view from the stands. 'Good idea,' said Sabres fans."
Reader M.F., to ThatsSports.com, after ESPN asked its broadcasters to strike the word 'sucks' from their vocabulary: "OK, if we can't say 'sucks' on the air - give me another word to describe the Knicks."
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