Whether it be art, music or sports, we all prioritize and attach a sentimental value to what is most alluring to the things that we have a passion for. This does not mean that your husband should be allowed to hang empty Pilsner cans from your glorious Christmas tree in lieu of ornaments. Music mogul David Geffen just sold a Jackson Pollock "painting" for an ungodly sum of $140 million and it wasn't even a nude portrait of Brett Favre. It was but a few dribbles of yellow and brown water colours tossed onto a canvas in another famous euphoric phase of inspiration.I have a plan to use my new celebrity to sponsor an art show of nothing but children's classics, even though their scribbles and vision of life is trapped within an obviously limited world view.
Drawing a picture of hanging Brian Burke from a Canadian Tire plastic tree suggests immediate counselling. All of the kids' drawings will be displayed in my gallery clinging to old refrigerators with x-rated fridge magnets to cement their place in history. Despite my expertise in the vast expanses of human culture I will get back to sports. That's what they expect from me.
1) Rider Glory - Rider fan favourite and head coach Ken Miller looked like Rip Van Winkle, but was secretly cut like Apollo Creed and has relinquished his coaching title to re-invigorate the roster and enjoy his version of strength training. A warm cup of Ovaltine ends each rigorous workout with a whirlpool of Epsom salts being optional. Clermont may play into his '60s.
2) Randy Moss - Sure he looks like Osama Bin Laden, but he plays like one of Osama's suicide bombers that just called in sick. When you know you're gonna explode into a world of has beens wouldn't you rather go out in style? Suit up you loser and trim that runaway beard.
3) New York Yankees - Given the opportunity, most of us would play baseball for free just for the chance to autograph a baseball for an adoring fan. Unless your name is Derek Jeter, who now pops up on Wikipedia when you Google the phrase "self-righteous greed-head."
Money can't buy you love or World Championships but Cliff Lee wouldn't hurt. The Yanks can have the last laugh by paying Lee more than Jeter. Such is the circle of life and the endless spiral of ticket prices.
4) Brett Farve - When Favre dies on a three-step drop and is decapitated I will be first one to scramble for his helmet.
He's not a Jackson Pollock rarity, but his cranium resting on my mantle piece will be like the weird old days when they used to fight over Ted William's frozen brain. I'll just tell visitors that I dropped a flax jockey from Lanigan whose genetically modified crop began to overrun my strawberry patch. This is getting embarrassing, Brett.
5) New England Patriots - Hollywood handsome Tom Brady is in the top three QBs of all time, but I am not a fan of any team that is named after scurvy riddled European colonists. If the season ended today, Brady would have another ring and could finally sign a contract that allows for a haircut.
I'm more of a Roethlisberger fan whose jaw line and broken nose suggests a blue-collar athlete, who couldn't get a date at a brothel. Prostitution is best defined by charging for professional 'services' and not simply giving away your 'product line.' Like I do.
You can call me Jackson, call me Bobby or call me Zimmy, the only catch is that when you latch onto one of my collector's items and are inclined to take it "viral," be sure to contact me for advice on the video footage. We'll give Wal Mart it's due with streaming pictures of me in my undies typing like a man possessed. Try their jockeys they're manly yet erotic and the prices are rolled back.
Next week we'll cover the rest of the top stories and just for once, I might have something to say that takes your mind off of your Visa statement. Until then, I'll listen to Lowell George and re-read an old HS Thompson classic and consider all options worthy of your local paper.
From deep in the heart of the Gin Palace where we chain smoke and mourn the loss of Dandy Don Meredith, have a safe holiday season.
Drizzle some paint on this baby and get it framed it might be worth something someday.
