Ladies do and the gents you know,
Heads square through and do-si-do.
When it's hot we drink lemonade,
Girls trade, boys cross fold, swing and promenade.
If the above lyrics don't make any sense to you, you haven't discovered the exciting world of square dancing.
But don't worry - there's hope for you yet.
Just last week, I was also a square dancing ignoramus, but the fine folks who make up the North Battleford Grand Squares club cured me of this evil.
My adventure began the way most adventures do. I was flipping through the Feb. 2 News-Optimist (no, my editor didn't tell me to write that) when I saw in the monthly events calendar that square dancing is held every Wednesday in the Slava Centre.
I called one of the two numbers provided for more information and a woman by the name of Arlene told me the following Wednesday would be an ideal time to come since the club was having a guest caller. I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but I penciled in square dancing for the following Wednesday, Feb. 9, at 7:30 p.m.
The next day, Wednesday, Feb. 2, Arlene called back and said that night would actually be better. She explained that a guest caller usually brings in more square dancers and some might be annoyed if I messed up the steps. But, because they were competing with curling, that night wouldn't be as busy.
I didn't have anything planned that night, but it did occur to me that I had nothing to wear. If you've ever seen square dancing, you know they have those beautiful fluffy skirts with crinoline and, well, I wanted one too.
It was a fairly busy day at work, so I couldn't leave early. I decided I would rush out at exactly 4:59 p.m. to scour the secondhand clothing stores.
In reality, I didn't leave until 5:17 p.m., but it didn't make much difference because both Round 2 Clothing and the Mennonite Community Closet close at 5 p.m. My last hope was Second Debut. I arrived at 5:27 and my spirits soared when I saw their sign said they closed at 5:30.
Then my hopes were dashed when I tried to pull the door open, only to find it was locked. I guess I've picked up a few talents from my dog, Harley, because, upon seeing my best pathetic face, a kind soul opened the door for me. I explained my dilemma and she told me she really didn't think they had any clothes suitable for square dancing, but I could look if I wanted.
Nothing.
Dejected, I drove home. I've never been to an actual dance (if you don't count awkwardly bouncing up and down at those chaperoned events in junior high), let alone a bonafide square dance, and I had my heart set on having the "proper attire."
Disney did not prepare me for real life. I mean, if I was Cinderella, a group of talking mice would start singing, "We can do it, we can do it, we can help our Cinderelly, we can make her dress so pretty, there's nothing to it really."
All of a sudden, I was struck with the realization that I could do it, I could sew myself a dress.
I went to Walmart. I couldn't find any suitable fabric, but I did see a beautiful (and reasonably priced) tablecloth.
Luckily, the practical Tara kicked in and I bought a pack of safety pins. As determined as I may be, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to learn how to sew in an hour.
I decided to settle for a ruffled skirt, which was easier to make than it sounds.
Now all I needed was a partner. With my boyfriend in another province, I set my sights on my roommate, Rob.
I threw every "you owe me" I could think of in his face. I suggested he might meet some charming ladies. By the time I got around to the late charges at the movie store, he caved.
I unearthed a straw hat I'd bought to go cow-tipping (long story) and a plaid shirt, and just like that, we were ready for our first square dance.
When we arrived, everyone was so welcoming. I was happy I'd made a skirt, since all of the girls had on either the fluffy crinoline skirts or longer full-length skirts.
The men were quite handsome too, with a few sporting shiny collar clips (something I'd never seen before). A few were also wearing neckties that matched their partner's skirts, which is standard square dance attire. I wish I had known this earlier, because there was plenty of tablecloth left over to make Rob a necktie.
The caller, which I now know means the person who calls the instructions out to the dancers, Ray Rosler, explained a few basics.
"You're learning a new language," he said, adding square dancing instructions are called the same across the world.
It was decided Rob and I would be partnered with more experienced dancers, which was kind of a relief, because I didn't want Rob messing me up.
Eight of us formed a square, with every couple standing on one side of the square.
My first partner was Elwood Stainbrook (poor guy).
My first corner, who is the man on your right (or the woman on your left, if you're a man), was Don McGowan.
Elwood and Don have both been square dancing since before I was a twinkle in my father's eye.
"We started years ago, when we were young, in the schoolhouse," said Don of his wife, Jean, and himself.
Elwood and his wife, Mavis, square danced their way all over Saskatchewan and as far as the Northwest Territories, Texas and Arizona. At square dancing events, Elwood recalls dancing with people from Japan.
Sadly, Elwood's wife passed away last May, but he still comes out to square dance regularly.
"It's just one big family," he said of the club.
Well, I quickly discovered I'm the family member with two left feet.
After showing us some basic moves, Ray started the music. It's much harder than it seems to make your body go in the right direction, on time with the music.
Frequently, I had poor Elwood running after me as I went the wrong way, and helpful people pointing me in the right direction.
I couldn't believe how fast everybody was moving.
Rob, on the other hand, didn't seem to be making any mistakes. Being the type who enjoys smirking at others' failures, this annoyed me. I was Cinderella, not him.
"He has music in him," said Ray.
I was determined to do better, but I simply couldn't remember to use my left hand to star through.
"Repetition, repetition, repetition," said Ray.
Finally, towards the end of the night, things started coming together for me. I even got to smirk a few times as Rob occasionally broke his perfect streak and messed up, promenading when he should have been doing the grand right.
Just when I started getting things right and really enjoying myself, my make-shift skirt started falling off. Re-tying it multiple times didn't help either. It's a good thing I wore a pair of leggings underneath or the Grand Squares would have seen more then they wanted to.
Although I'm quite certain my skirt wouldn't last another round, when the last dance came around, I found I was actually disappointed.
Everybody joined hands in a circle and thanked everyone for being there, including Mervyn and Jean Cooper from Unity and Ted and Rita Bowey from Senlac. It was Ed Robinson's birthday, so we also sang Happy Birthday.
Then we were invited for lunch.
At first, I thought it was a joke, because who eats lunch at quarter to 10 at night?
Square dancers, that's who!
SIDEBAR
The North Battleford Grand Squares Club is a member of the Saskatchewan Square and Round Dance Federation. For more information on square dancing events around the province, visit www.sksquaredance.ca.
The Grand Squares meet every Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. in the Slava Centre, 792 - 108th Street. The first three Wednesdays are free, after which admission is $5, or $70 for the year. For more information contact Maurice or Arlene at 445-4671 or Ed or Laura at 445-4676.
