Will we tell the truth?
A few weeks ago I spent some hours waiting in a hospital when a family member was scheduled for a day-long procedure. There were several people there, separated only by curtains, which provides little in the way of privacy. Visually, yes. But you could pretty much hear anything and everything anyone was saying.
I tried to focus on the book I had brought with me but it was hard to block out conversations, despite diligent attempts. But there was one statement I heard that couldn't be ignored—and it has stayed with me for several weeks. A woman, and I don't know if she was a patient, family or staff, could be clearly heard to say, "That's not a problem. I will just keep lying to myself and telling me it's okay."
I could not tell if her words were facetious or if they were coming from a place of pain, but it's a statement that has left me wondering about her in the weeks since.
Apparently people lie to themselves a couple of times each day, mostly about their intentions, habits and abilities, according to those who study such things.
Additionally, but differentiated from lying, is an area that social scientists define as 'self-deception’. This includes forcing a positive attitude when we think it is expected, despite how we really feel. Sort of like fake it 'till you make it. How many times have you heard someone describe a situation that way? But experts say this is creating problems. If we feel we have to fake enthusiasm, it might not warrant the effort required. They point to a research study where college students were put through a difficult process to join a discussion group that was, by design, painfully boring. A control group had no such process to endure. The second batch of students was more objective in rating the discussion group, determining it wasn't very good. But the group that faced obstacles to get in expressed enthusiasm about the experience. Researchers determined they had to deceive themselves to avoid the embarrassment of coming to terms with the wasted effort they put in to join the group.
Many have experienced something similar. We pretend we really liked a concert because the tickets cost us so much. We agree with an opinion we may not hold in order to gain acceptance from others. We turn our gaze away from what we anticipate might be a problem because we don't want to deal with the fallout. But, as in all areas of life, the truth has a way of coming out. Not being honest with ourselves can cause physical and emotional stress we simply don't need.
It's easy to ignore the crack in the ceiling, the tightness in your chest, the growing credit card balance or the countless other signs indicating something is not quite right. But pretending those things aren't occurring is simply delaying what we know will be inevitable. The same goes for our daily lives. We are going nowhere fast if we are lying to ourselves along the way. Pretending things are different than they truly are or feigning enthusiasm for what simply isn't, is just not good for us. Bluffing may make for a good poker strategy, but it is no way to move through life.
One of the most frequently asked questions daily is "how are you?" We are so accustomed to the query we typically respond as if on auto-pilot and say “I’m fine” because that’s what social convention dictates. Most of the time it is accepted as an adequate answer but on rare occasions someone might delve a little deeper and ask "how are you---really?" This gives us a unique opportunity. Will we be honest with them? With ourselves?
Think of the conversations you have had the last while. What dominated the discussion? World politics? Sports? The weather? It seems we use up more oxygen today talking about Trudeau and Trump, Matthews and McDavid, or freezing rain and frigid temperatures than we do the hurts and heartaches of those who are right here in our path day to day. We are fed the ins and outs of discussions and negotiations occurring in places around the planet but seem to know less and less about the people in our own neighbourhood. I enjoy discussing news and current events as much as anybody but the emotional energy we are expending is draining. Meanwhile, the number of adults who say they have no close friends is climbing.
Feeling safe and secure in being able to share the reality of any situation builds trust, strengthens relationships and creates a greater sense of authenticity. It takes a commitment of time and effort but it will allow more of those around us the opportunity to take a breath and simply get real. No one should feel the need to lie to themselves or anyone else in an effort to convince anyone they are okay. So let’s get to know and help take care of the people around us so that they will be able to share what they need to and wake up to a more honest tomorrow. That's my outlook.
