By Kaare Askildt
(Formerly known as The Farmer in Training)
Well, I guess we all arrive at that moment in life when other close family members might be shopping for a nice 鈥渞etirement home鈥� or a 鈥渟enior lodge鈥� and even a 鈥渘ursing home鈥� 鈥� for you!
Just so that I would be ahead of them, I gave my wife and children a list of names to avoid:
- At Heaven鈥檚 Gate 鈥� which I take to mean that the occupants will expire tomorrow!
- Road鈥檚 End Retirement Home 鈥� used to be named 鈥淏ack Against The Wall Retirement Home,鈥� but the name didn鈥檛 attract many seniors, so they changed the name.
- Eternal Peace Nursing Home 鈥� probably where the beds look like coffins!
- Greeting El Diablo Seniors鈥� Lodge 鈥� where the devil lurks around the corner!
- Nearly Pushing Daisies Retirement Home 鈥� where the flower garden is right next to the cemetery!
- The Crossroads Senior Lodge 鈥� one road going up 鈥撎� 听the other going down!
- A Day At The Time Nursing Home 鈥� don鈥檛 expect tomorrow to happen!
- Out With A Bang Nursing Home 鈥� no need to pay for a long-time stay!
I decided to check out the various activities offered at the facilities, and it does vary a lot. There usually are TVs in each room for the occupant鈥檚 personal
viewing choice. Most of the facilities have a large communal room where there is a large 铿� at screen TV for special video presentations, such as 鈥淧utting Your Affairs In Order,鈥� subtitled 鈥淵ou Can鈥檛 Take it With You鈥� by a famous lawyer whom I cannot name. The piano in the corner is played by an old church pianist, and everybody is encouraged to partake in the sing-a-longs. Bridge and crib tournaments are everyday occurrences. There would be a small gym with treadmills and weightlifting equipment, run by a powerful woman resembling a Valkyrie! She speaks with a strong German accent and will literally whip you into shape!
Speed walking or just walking is encouraged, and a senior lady was walking on the path around the garden one day, when she saw a senior man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around and jumped up and down three times. He repeated this several times. When the two seniors finally met, she asked him what he was doing. The man re-plied that he was keeping the pink elephants away.
The lady looked around and asked, 鈥淲hy? There are no pink elephants around here!鈥�
To which the man replied, 鈥淪ee! It works great, doesn鈥檛 it?鈥�
New home for father After making the appropriate arrangements, a family brought their frail, elderly father to the nursing home late one evening, trusting that he will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast, and set him in a chair with a good book 鈥� located by a window overlooking the beautiful flower garden. He seemed content and started reading the book, but after a while, he slowly started to fall sideways in his chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straightened him up. Again, he seemed okay, but after a while, he started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought him back upright. This went on all morning.
Later in the day, several family members arrived to see how their old father was adjusting to the nursing home. The son asked, 鈥淪o Pa, how is it here? Are they treating you good?鈥�
鈥淵eah! It鈥檚 pretty nice,鈥� replied the old man. 鈥淓xcept they won鈥檛 let you fart!鈥�
Re-purposed peanuts?
A Lutheran pastor came to visit at the town鈥檚 nursing home, where he was immediately met by the head nurse, who told him that Mrs. Hansen really wanted to see him.
The pastor went into Mrs. Hansen鈥檚 room, sat down next to her and said a little prayer for her. Then Mrs. Hansen started talking about her day, and while he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts on the table next to her. The pastor asked if he could have a few peanuts, which she said he could and then she continued talking about her day.
When she finished talking, the pastor apologized for eating almost all of her peanuts. She looked at him and told him not to worry about it, because she cannot eat peanuts, so she just sucks the chocolate off of them!
Ha Ha 鈥� We鈥檙e old!
Ole and Lena resided in the same nursing home. One day Lena went up to Ole and said: 鈥淚鈥檒l bet you 铿� ve dollars that I can tell you how old you are!鈥�
鈥淥kay,鈥� said Ole, 鈥済o ahead and tell me how old I am.鈥�
鈥淲ell, first you have to put your left ring-finger in my right ear,鈥� said Lena.
鈥淲hat for?鈥� wondered Ole.
鈥淥ne more thing,鈥� said Lena, 鈥淚 have to put both my hands over your ears, and you have to close your eyes while I count to 10!鈥�
After all this was achieved, Lena told Ole to open his eyes. She looked at him and said, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e 87 years old!鈥�
Ole looked at her with astonishment and asked, 鈥淗ow did you figure that out Lena?鈥�
She smiled at him and said, 鈥淧ay up you old fart, we all celebrated your birthday yesterday!鈥�
听
